Meeting My Lord: A Journey of Illness, Reflection, and Tawakkul

Assalam aleikum

This is going to be quite a long one! So I was 38 years old when I was diagnosed with stage 3 Colon cancer. I had the surgery and 6 months of chemotherapy.

And life carried on, I was immensely grateful for the health that I had regained.

Then at the age of 46 my cancer returned and again stage 3 colon cancer, it was another primary cancer. I had my large colon removed. I didn't have a bag which was important to me. Again another 6 months of chemotherapy.

And again life plodded on, albeit differently, because not having a large colon made long journeys, long days out difficult. But with the support of my soulmate life carried on for us.

Then one day I felt a lump in my breast and it was cancer, the biopsy showed it was stage 3 and again a primary cancer. I was 54 at the time. Chemotherapy was strongly advised, along with surgery but we made the decision to not have chemotherapy and just do a mastectomy.

And again life carried on. Until this Ramadhan when I started to feel quite ill, tests revealed a rather obscure cancer, which is called Cholangiocarcinoma. I thought trust me to get a cancer that I can't even pronounce!! It is cancer of the bile duct (mine is inside the liver) it is highly aggressive and very difficult to treat. I have stage 4 and again it is a primary cancer, which has spread to other organs. We decided against chemotherapy etc, as I am dying, and I would like the few months I have to be as nice as possible for me and my husband. I have been told that I have maybe 4-6 month, and Allah Knows Best.

I am now 60 years old and I have been on the cancer rollercoaster on and off, for 23 years.

I would love to say I have learnt so much, and maybe I have, although it doesn't always feel like that. As I sit and wonder what I could have done better, and the list is endless. I completed a BA in Islamic Studies while having chemotherapy for the 2nd colon cancer. I wear niqab, I am a conservative Muslim, I love Allah and His Messenger. But I wish I had utilised my degree better, I didn't do halaqa's I think because I was still recovering from the 2nd colon cancer, not having a bowel was life changing. But still, there is that whisper, what could you have done better.... ?? Will Allah Ta'ala be pleased with you? Could I have been a better daughter, wife, friend, sister? The list goes on and on and on.....

But nothing is greater than Allah's Mercy and Allah Loves to meet those who love to meet him. And on those bad days, when I have immense fear of Him, I reiterate to myself, my Rabb is the Most Kind, the Most Merciful.

On a side note I am an English Muslim who converted to Islam at 22 years old.   

Shared by a Sister who wishes to remain anonymous.